The Trouble With Bookends

There was no word in the English language for “bookend(s)” until 1908. That’s right, the word bookend is a year younger than my house. And therein lies the trouble with bookends. For the record, the term “book prop” did not appear until 1862, and “book support” arrived on the scene in 1874. The French had appui-livres, support books, but it never gained traction in English usage. After all, who in England ever listened to the French? When one is striving, as one of course does, for Regency vocabulary and usage accuracy, learning such a common and one assumes age old concept is shockingly modern causes the brain to explode, or at least gives the sensation it will.

This matters because in my forthcoming novel My Mr. Darcy and Your Mr. Bingley, a particularly contentious conversation among ladies taking tea causes Jane and Elizabeth Bennet to take up poses of dismay at either end of a settee, with a confused Georgiana Darcy sitting between them. Mr. Darcy enters the drawing room and finds all of the ladies present agitated, but the vignette made by Jane, Elizabeth, and his sister reminds him of bookends with his sister as the book. And why the hell not??? You or I would think exactly the same.

And so the scene was written, posted for all members to read at A Happy Assembly, and submitted in manuscript form to Meryton Press. It never occurred to anyone to question anything so simple as bookends. Indeed, I don’t know how my estimable and damnably curious editor, Gail Warner, got the wind up about this, but I do remember her comment in the edits: “You’re not going to believe this…”

It can be said of my nature that I am often rebellious, and to prevent my brain exploding I began my own research. On occasion I can trip Gail up by executing an end run to the online Oxford English Dictionary, which can be accessed through my local library, bless them. In this case, all was in agreement with Gail’s sources. The OED gives random uses of a term, starting for “bookend” in 1908. Think of a really bad word, scream it as loud as you can, and you will be somewhere near my tenuous emotional state. (But I was amused by the most recent noted entry for bookend from the Pittsburgh Post Gazette in 2003, “A pinch bottle of Haig and Haig scotch whiskey served as a bookend on the shelf.” If you’ve never had a shot of pinch Haig and Haig, you will want to now.)

As it happens, Wikipedia has an entry for bookends. It is no shock that the bookend evolved with the book. The Greeks had scrolls, obviating the need for bookends. Scroll-ends has never caught on, has it? In the middle-ages books were great flat things stacked on top of each other. It was in the Georgian era that books got smaller and started to be stored upright with spines outward, on vast arrays of built-in bookshelves for personal libraries.

In the Regency era, when presumably everyone had filled in their wall shelves and needed more space, the swivel bookcase, as shown here, was invented. One or a series of these sat in the open space of a personal library, near chairs, and although I didn’t get it in the picture, on the top was a knob for turning the device on an axis. Like on one’s built-in bookcases, the shelves were meant to be full—chock a block with no room to spare, and extra books were stored laying down and stacked (books used as bookends, and yet no bloody term for doing so). The bookcase you see here was dated to 1818, and found in a local antiques shop for a princely sum.

(As a side note, I must mention that small versions of these were made with open handles to turn the swivel; handles which were also used to carry the petite bookcase from room to room by ladies of a literary bent. It was very fashionable, and certainly Mrs. Elizabeth Darcy would have been given one by her bookish father for a wedding gift.)

Where, you might ask, does this leave our perplexed author and her editor, who is by now wholly sorry she asked the question? Since Darcy could not be seen scrambling to come up with an apt bon-mot for the appearance of Elizabeth and Jane with his daft sister between them, some other familiar paired objects must be found. Not one to give up a fight when I can be obsessed instead, I searched Regency and Georgian paintings online, hoping some old coot had been posed in front of his books, with structures not known to be bookends but serving that function, in the background. Then Darcy could say the Bennet sisters reminded him of his painting of Lord So-and-So in front of his books. But no, I must suffer for past sins, evidently. No such painting could be found.

My purpose here is not to give away the grand, and I do mean grande, finale to my search for Darcy’s thought picture of Elizabeth and Jane. You will see it soon enough, on the back cover of My Mr. Darcy and Your Mr. Bingley. No, my purpose here is to whine like a big dog, which I am satisfied I have done pretty well, and to warn off any other innocent authors of Jane Austen Fan Fiction who might want to ever consider using the term “bookends”. I mean, heaven forbid I should have to rewrite the scene, right? That thought never occurred to me, although a dark nameless fear grew within me—no doubt feeding on all of the gray matter from the brain explosion—with each dead end in the search for a matched pair of somethings that might look like bookends without being called bookends.

I am still married, I never kicked the dog or the cat, I didn’t develop a drinking problem, and I didn’t throw anything. I absolutely did not end relations with my editor. She was as delighted as I with the ultimate solution to the trouble with bookends, but that is a tale for another day!

A Lady Calls (the little story that inspired a novel)

The general lack of moxie attributed to Charles Bingley stuck in my craw from my first reading of Pride and Prejudice. I know for a certainty I am not alone in this. Two or so years ago there was a hotly contested thread about Bingley and the definition of personal responsibility over at the Meryton Literary Society’s A Happy Assembly site, and this little story was my response to it. Yes, Bingley is ultimately the author of his own actions. He allowed himself to be persuaded out of what he wanted—there is no disputing that. For me, the what-if of Bingley developing a spine became the next creative leap of faith. Not so much spine as to make him a regular Darcy—he has to still be his affable self—but rather enough his own man to realize he is miserable and sort out why for himself. So begins My Mr. Darcy & Your Mr. Bingley.

But Bingley’s sisters took a huge risk in not responding to Jane Bennet’s letters announcing her presence in London. What if Caroline and Louisa had not been home and their brother was when Jane paid her call? Just to enliven the proceedings, I cast the POV from the butler, who can but guess at the tense excitement such a coincidence might create. And so let us consider what happens when…

A Lady Calls

By Linda Beutler

The butler tapped lightly at the open door to the study of the Hurst residence in London. “Excuse me, sir.”

Charles Bingley looked up with bright eyes. “Yes, Humpy?”

The butler, whose name was Humphrey, pursed his lips, expressing in doing so as much disapproval as he dared. On the whole, the staff at Hurst Place did not find Mr. Bingley’s habit of altering their names to be amusing or even quite proper.

“Sir, I am not aware of the plans of Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst, and their maids are on errands. A lady is here, and is wondering if they may be at home to callers this afternoon.”

“I do believe they will be. They are making calls themselves just now, but Caroline, at least, intends to be at home.”

Humphrey bowed. “Thank you, Mr. Bingley.”

Bingley asked after the morning’s caller as Humphrey made for the study door. “Who is it who has called, Humpy?” His tone was not a little bored. The morning’s post held no excitement.

The servant’s shoulders sagged minutely. He turned and read the card on the salver he carried. “A Miss Jane Bennet, sir.”

Before Humphrey knew what he was about, Mr. Bingley was standing so as to plunge one handle of the salver into his silk brocade waistcoat as he snatched the card.

“Ouch, Humpy! Must you stand so close?”

Humphrey knew there was no rational response to be made.

Mr. Bingley tapped the calling card to his nose.

“Roses!” He smiled widely and stepped around Humphrey into the passage.

The servant followed and watched as Mr. Bingley dashed into the entry hall.

“Miss Bennet! How delightful to learn you are in London! You are looking very well!”

The lady curtsied and kept her face down. “Mr. Bingley!”

“Caroline will be receiving callers this afternoon. Pray tell me, how long have you been in London?”

“It has been five days, sir,” came the demure reply.

“And your family is well?”

Miss Bennet nodded but did not meet Mr. Bingley’s eyes. “Everyone at Longbourn is perfectly well, sir.”

“And you are staying…?”

Before the lady could answer, the gentleman did so for her. “Oh, but you are staying with your aunt and uncle in Gracechurch Street, are you not?”

The lady at last met Mr. Bingley’s eyes. “You remember?”

“I do!” Mr. Bingley laughed. “My sisters spoke of it enough, it rather stuck.”

The lady’s eyebrow rose, but she did not respond directly. “My aunt had business nearby this morning, and I wished to renew my friendship with your sisters. I had written—twice…” Miss Bennet quickly gave a little cough behind her hand.

Humphrey wondered if he heard her say “twice” or did the lady clear her throat?

“…I would be in town, but perhaps they have not had time to respond. The —ahem, first—letter was but a fortnight ago.” The clear blue eyes were lowered again. There was irony to be detected.

It was Mr. Bingley’s turn to raise his brows. “Yes, well, you are here now, and how lucky for me to be at home to you. Very lucky. I shall scold their manners.”

The lady appeared alarmed, but looking up, was faced with a broad smile. She returned the expression. Mr. Humphrey thought her smile held some affection.

“Please do not scold them, Mr. Bingley.”

“Why ever not? They scold me with predictable regularity. I am pleased for the reason to return the honour. Yes, most pleased.” Mr. Bingley paused a moment in apparent study of the lady caller before nodding his head decisively. “Miss Bennet, have you any engagements for this evening? I have been invited to join Darcy in his box at the theatre. He would not care were I to bring a friend, or indeed, several friends. May I invite you to join us?”

“Oh, I cannot think so, Mr. Bingley.” The lady’s chin lifted. “I cannot think Mr. Darcy would approve.”

“Nonsense! Do not call here this afternoon. I shall call on you! Give me the direction, that I might meet your relations and repeat the invitation to them. I recall you are most fond of this aunt and uncle. I shall send a card around to Darcy. Would that reassure you?”

Again the lady smiled with a warm look into Mr. Bingley’s eyes. “Yes, I would be relieved for the assurance Mr. Darcy would know me in town.”

Humphrey was as well acquainted with Mr. Bingley’s friend Mr. Darcy as a servant could be. He readily understood the lady wishing to be comforted on that score.

Mr. Bingley looked a little sour for a moment. “He only seems imposing.” The gentleman shook off his disquiet. “I am certain you will find him friendlier here than in Meryton. I shall call at two o’clock, depend upon it.”

Miss Bennet looked vastly pleased. Humphrey thought her one of the most beautiful ladies to ever visit Hurst Place.

Mr. Bingley followed the lady onto the broad top step of the house. An expensively appointed landaulet was just pulling to a halt.

“Here is my aunt for me, sir. The direction of their home is on my card.”

Mr. Bingley held out his hand and Miss Bennet placed her gloved one in his. He looked into her eyes. “What is the date, Miss Bennet?”

“’Tis the seventh of January, sir.”

“Let us remember this day. Let us have seven be our lucky number, shall we?” He bent and kissed her gloved hand, holding his lips against the thin leather for longer than seemed necessary.

The lady blushed and grew agitated.

Mr. Bingley laughed, sounding a triumphant little crow. “Until two o’clock?”

Miss Bennet nodded with a happy smile and turned away.

Mr. Bingley closed the door and crossed the entry hall. “Humpy! This is my lucky day! The luckiest day of my life!”

Humphrey could not be quite as pleased with it, and did not adequately hide the roll of his eyes, to be so addressed.

Mr. Bingley saw the look. “So sorry, Mr. Humphrey. I should not try your patience. When my high spirits get the better of me, please remind me of your preference. I know better. I do. Now I must write to Darcy. Send a footman to me, Mr. Humphrey.”

A lucky day indeed. He took a greater liking to the lady caller, Miss Jane Bennet. He hoped to see more of her, if her presence inspired such an improvement in Mr. Bingley. “Very good, sir!” Humphrey nodded and nearly smiled.



Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a review (two stars)

It is only right to begin with a few disclaimers. First, I—and  members of the Southwest Washington–Northwest Oregon regional chapter of JASNA—was invited to a free screening of “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies”, tonight (1-13-2016). Second, I have not read the book. I have read all of Jane Austen’s major novels, those unfinished, and her letters; I mention this because it is important to enjoying this movie (or not…maybe better I didn’t know?). Third, I  know little of the zombie genre. Last, I attended with my BFF, Jacky; we felt strongly a couple of cocktails beforehand were advisable. I mention this because once we started to lose our buzz about 2/3 of the way through, our attitude and the movie took a turn for the worst. One of us should have brought a flask.

An added bit of whimsy to the event was the presence of six young men from the Madison High School (SE Portland) film class. While I was in the loo pre-film, Jacky chatted them up, and they were into a convivial discussion when I returned. None of them had read Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Two had seen P&P 2005. All had read P&P&Z, and their assignment was to compare the characterizations from the P&P&Z book versus the movie. Jacky and I lost it at that, and after glaring at their teacher, explained that most of what they were about to see was NOTHING like Jane Austen had written. One of the boys said he hoped seeing THIS movie would help him understand Pride and Prejudice, which he planned to start tomorrow. In a jovial manner, Jacky and I (well, mostly me) razzed them about confusing bad movies with great literature. I told the boys that I would fist-pump when I heard any unadulterated Austen, so they would know. I did so once.

The premise of the movie is that the Bennet sisters have been raised by Mr. Bennet to be Amazon-like zombie-fighting warrior women. Mr. Bennet is played by one of my favorite British actors, Charles Dance (and please, he would prefer it pronounced Dahnce, not Dantz). This is the niftiest casting in the movie. I mention this because the only unmodified Jane Austen in the entire movie is the Mr. Bennet saving Lizzy from having to marry Mr. Collins scene. Unlike many JAFF writers, I adore Mr. Bennet for all his flaws, and this was where I was fist-pumping.

The screenplay followed much of Jane Austen’s plot. There was a Meryton assembly, Jane sick at Netherfield (with a fun bit of business for Lizzy when Darcy visits the sickroom to make sure Jane isn’t turning into a zombie), a Netherfield Ball, refusing Mr. Collins, visit to Hunsford, and so on. The set pieces were inter-laced with fighting off zombies. Naturally, every other sentence has “zombie” in it. Those lines that do not were stolen from Andrew Davies (especially Darcy’s Hunsford proposal). I hope he is getting a percentage. It was a surprise hearing some of JA’s more famous bon mots in her letters—most audiences aren’t going to know what lines are direct quotes from Austen in life and will search P&P a long time to find them. The most glaring, mind-bending annoyance was during Darcy’s second proposal to Lizzy, when he quotes the climactic portion of Captain Wentworth’s letter to Anne Elliot in Persuasion. Mind you, I was sober then, and could not laugh at it.

Some of you will want to know about the costumes. For the most part the women’s clothing was well done, far better than in P&P 2005. Yes, there is a man-teasing scene as the five Bennets dress for the Meryton assembly, and one sees lots of bare thigh over stockings as daggers are inserted into scabbards before gowns are donned. Lily James as Elizabeth Bennet is light and pleasing, corseted and breathless, working her fluttering bosom to good effect. She goes sleeker when she knows she is about to fight, but it’s a zombie movie, so I was ready for that. Soldier uniforms were little better than from a child’s wooden soldier set—nothing swoon-worthy. Jane was lovely and fiesty; Bingley was more earnest than typical, and other than a bit of dithering in the end when he should have been blowing stuff up, he was acceptable.

Which brings us to Sam Riley as Darcy. Other than the send-up of Colin Firth—when this Darcy obviously does his own stunt diving into a presumably cleaner pond than that offered to Firth—this Darcy wears a heavy black leather great coat throughout. It squeaked and creaked and I assure you only the deafest zombie would miss this guy coming. The effect was much more Zorro than zombie-fighter. Sam Riley played Darcy as pissed off. No smokey stares at Lizzy, no smirks at her wit, no beseeching eyes as he proposed. His voice was gravelly. Maybe this was supposed to make him seem more sincere and serious. Nope…this Darcy was unhappy and taking it out on zombies and shrubbery (horticulturists be advised: many topiary were irreparably maimed in the making of this movie).

As for Lady Catherine de Bourgh… Perhaps the intent was to go for some sort of S&M queen, but that lane was never wandered down despite her look. The actress was a little young to have the gravitas necessary. She was supposed to be the finest lady zombie warrior in England, but she never so much as lifts a butter knife. She has an eye patch, but we have no backstory as to why. She and Lizzy have their little pissing contest, but then Lady Catherine turns around and protects the Bennet family at Rosings while Jane and Lizzy are off fighting zombies in the movie’s final battle. All in all, not enough was done with Lady Catherine; miscast and poorly written.

Why even two stars? Well, the costumes were fun and mostly right, minus Darcy’s leather. And, Lizzy and Darcy get into a brawl during the Hunsford proposal that was somehow, oddly, wholly believable and well-staged. If just that scene shows up on youtube, you will have seen the best part.

Other trying observations: no Colonel Fitzwilliam! Shocking! No mention of the Hursts, so alas, no hursting. Mary Bennet gets two zinger lines early on giving me hope for the younger sisters, but this did not last. Mrs. Bennet wasn’t Mrs. Bennet enough. Caroline Bingley did and said so little, one wonders why they included her. There isn’t much to say about Wickham except he’s a trifle handsomer than Darcy, which is never good. As stated, I don’t know much about zombies, but these seemed extremely easy to kill, and once a zombie was dead, it stayed dead… funny, I thought there was more to it than that. Most of them were CGI, so one was tempted to whisper in Lizzy’s worried little ears, “Hit delete a few times, dear, and it will all go away.”

Now we are to the end. There was the double wedding, some kissing, and roll credits. The teenage boys sitting behind us went wild, crying, “No sex!?” Jacky and I laughed and said, “Just like Jane Austen wrote it, only this had kissing—a wedding and you’re out.” But as we stood gathering hats and coats, an audaciously lame spoiler for a sequel roared onto the screen. The audience groaned.

This entry was posted on January 14, 2016, in Reviews.

Let’s Have a Ball!

Festive Beverages Guaranteed to Raise Your Courage to Ask that “Special Someone” to Dance!

Dateline Netherfield Park, 26 November 2015 or 1811

But what to serve your guests!? It hinges upon, one supposes, just how intoxicated you want them to become? On a cold night, we might at least serve negus to warm and refresh after their exertions. And it must certainly be served if the younger Miss Austen is to attend—she thinks nothing of a ball without negus.

Negus (warm punch)
Port wine
Lemon Juice
Loaf Sugar
Calves-foot Jelly
Grated Nutmeg

Heat until not quite boiling, and serve in a two-gallon footed metal bowl to save the surface of the sideboard from the heat.

In the Regency era, refined white sugar was formed into cones and shipped wrapped in paper. It was quite hard, requiring a hammer to break off chips, and then further cut into smaller pieces using sugar nips.

Of course something warm and nourishing might assuage the guilt of Jane Austen for drinking so very much of it, but it will hardly set the Thames afire, since in her day Port was not fortified as it is now. Perhaps something cool might be more “fortifying?”

Common London Punch
36 Peeled Lemons
2 pounds of Loaf Sugar
1 Pint of Brandy
3 Quarts of Sherbet
1 Pint of Rum

Now that will rejoice the cockles of your heart, and those of your guests. It had to have tasted like candy! As the room warms, serve this strong chilled punch before the supper set, so your guests will soon have something on their stomachs! We wouldn’t want the young maidens in attendance to become inebriated. They might start stealing swords from the officers!

In the Regency Era, bottles of wine and spirits were only three quarters the size they are now (currently 750ml), but still, brandy and rum? The mind reels as well as the legs!

But if you truly want to impress your guests with your wealth and standing, the only punch to serve is Regent’s Punch!


As my pioneer Grandma used to say (think an Oregon version of Lady Lucas), “this will knock your hat in the creek!” Toss back a bumber of this, and you’re anybody’s!

Regents Punch
2 Bottles of Madeira
3 Bottles of Champagne
1 Bottle each of Curaçao and Hock [hock was any German white wine]
1 Pint of Rum
1 Quart of Brandy
4 pounds of Oranges [thank goodness…at last something without alcohol!]
Four Pounds of Lemons
Raisons sweetened with sugar candy
Plus Seltzer Water [to fill the bowl]

Given Prinny’s proclivities, one can imagine those hosting him amping up the alcoholic components to impress him with the thunder of one’s punchbowl. There were over 200 “confirmed” recipes for Regents Punch in 1815. The unifying ingredient in all of them was Champagne, so your author here is predisposed to like any of them. La! I have something in common with the future George IV!

Drink up and Dance!

A Cocktail for Mr. Bingley, or You Are What You Drink

Netherfield’s effervescent host!

Mr. Bingley’s Cocktail, or…You are what you drink.
By Linda Beutler

Now anyone who knows me well will tell you my unrepentantly lust-filled forays into Jane Austen Fan Fiction are in some part fueled by the occasional infusion of quantities of champagne and sparkling wine from countries other than France. (It has recently been posited that three glasses a day prevent Alzheimer’s disease—I am taking no chances this isn’t true.) They will further report I have researched champagne cocktails with a passion usually reserved for collectors of Star Wars paraphernalia or bacon recipes. But here we will not dwell upon the Hugo, the French 75, the Epiphany, or the Raymond Massey. No, let us consider instead the cocktail most aptly seen in the hands of the leaseholder of Netherfield Park, “Seeing Angels”.

In a cocktail shaker ½ full of ice add:

• 1 oz. of London Gin, preferably Boodles or any brand with a silly name.

• 1 oz. of ginger syrup, because, as stated in the title, Mr. Bingley is what he drinks.

• Crush and macerate in a mortar 4 fresh ripe pitted dark sweet cherries (preferably Bing* cherries, as if it needs saying); add to the cocktail shaker.

• Juice of one half of a lemon (No one appears to want a Bingley that is too sweet, if comments at the Meryton Literary Society’s A Happy Assembly are any indication.)

Shake vigourously and strain into a capacious champagne flute (6 ounces at least, 8 ounces is best). I would be neglectful not to mention glassware for serving champagne are supposed to resemble Marie Antoinette’s breasts. Now, whether using a flute or a saucer, one must think her endowments oddly shaped, to say the least. During the Regency era in England, both styles of glassware were used for champagne, so make of that what you will.

Fill the flute with champagne to nearly the rim, and garnish with a pitted and partly split dark cherry.

Once you’ve downed a couple of these, you will be “Seeing Angels” everywhere!

*Bing cherries were developed about half a mile from Linda Beutler’s home, at the site of the old Lewelling Orchards of Milwaukie, Oregon, in around 1875. In England, dark sweet cherries were grown by order of King Henry VIII, who tasted them in Flanders.

Denizens of the Hunsford Tar Pits

Hot Spring


Denizens of the Hunsford Tar Pits

By Linda Beutler


The dominant (although the word is hardly an apt descriptor) male dinosaur living in the environs of the Hunsford Tar Pits is the Tricollinstops pachypygoura forma tardus (the thick-rumped-and-tailed Tricollinstop, slow moving form). It was originally thought to be sterile, occurring in nature only rarely through a complex hybridization of cousins in the family Bennetiadae—in which every deviant recessive gene is expressed in one grotesque creature—but careful observation of the fossil record deemed the Tricollinstop too slow-moving (and slow-witted) to catch a mate, rather than being sterile. The oily—one might almost say greasy—nature of the creature’s horned hide made it particularly disgusting, as well as its constant meaningless vocalizing.


This small series of pits lies just outside the known boundaries of the Rosings region (described previously), and the influence of the Archeoechinodon deBourghii var. rigida is felt in no small measure. It is believed the thick-rumped Tricollinstop regurgitated food for the old spiny dinosaur (submissive behavior learned from the Haplojenkinsonopteryx minimus), as well as preening and grooming it in ways quite deplorable for God-fearing modern zoologists to contemplate, but pre-dating the evolution of small mammals such as the naked mole rat, Heterocephalus glaber. The social interactions of the Rosings dinosaurs and the Hunsford Tar Pit dinosaurs mimic naked mole rats in that the subservient Tricollinstop covers himself in the old spiny dinosaur’s urine and feces to keep from being eaten by the colony queen; thus she is fooled into thinking the Tricollinstop is some extension of herself.


This behavior continued until, unlikely as it may seem, the thick-rumped Tricollinstop was eventually singled out as a mate by a Charlottedon domesticus subspecies desperatadephis, known as the desperate-wombed Charlottedon. All Charlottedons, like some females in the family Bennetiadae, produce only female offspring, and so are shunned by the more virile and masculine of the various dinosaur families and genera. We can only imagine the surprise of the Tricollinstop to be stalked and eventually cornered by the desperate-wombed Charlottedon, for Charolottedons in general emit no pheromones and are without distinctive secondary sexual characteristics. It would appear the thick-rumped Tricollinstop, once initiated to the voracious sexual proclivities of the Charlottedon, avoided certain death from over-exercise by promising a more comfortable nest amidst the tar pits for the always practical Charlottedon, and the likelihood of an even greater domicile after their future migration to the Longbourn environs. But for that eventuality to occur, the Tricollinstop had to avoid the amorous attentions of his mate and the challenges of being constantly under the eye of the old spiny dinosaur.



Previous Jurassic Austen dinos:

KC Kahler: Hunkasaurs pemberlii
KC Kahler: Maternosaurus vulgaris
Beau North: Avaricium hypochondrius
Jessica Evans: Siblioraptor wantonus
KC Kahler: Diplosororia dramatis
KC Kahler: Nauticolophus fidelum
Linda Beutler: Dinosaurs of the Rosings biome



Primary Dinosaur Species of the Rosings Biome

Primary Dinosaur Species of the Rosings Biome By Linda Beutler


(Extract from Saurdonteryx, Journal of Very Amateur Paleontologists)

The verdant forests and steamy caves of the Rosings Biome were dominated by the “queen bee” of this eusocial animal community, Archeoechinodon deBourghii var. rigida (common name, old spiny dinosaur of firm opinions and intrusive manners). This was a dinosaur who would not be gainsaid, and no details of the of any lesser dinosaurs and evolving mammals were too small to escape her hawk-like eyes and loudly-voiced opinions on the most minute of topics. This was a fearsome creature, and many submissive species danced attendance upon her, engaging in grooming, preening, and regurgitating activities (most notably the thick-rumped Tricollinstops, soon to be described in Denizens of the Hunsford Tar Pits, Beutler, 2015). That the Rosings community survived its queen is a testament to the ingenuity of the lesser creatures and the queen’s attraction to shiny objects with which to adorn her thick hide and ostentatious lair. Distracting her was blessedly easy.

The mate of the old spiny dinosaur must have either been equally fearsome—one assumes heavily clad with protective scales and likely deaf—or a small darting creature able to, at least initially, take her unawares, and again, likely deaf. The two built an elaborately ornate nest, and the queen Archeoechinodon rarely migrated from it unless sorely vexed. Once the queen was impregnated, the mate was eaten.

The only offspring of the old spiny dinosaur was the Pseudohypochondricasaurus sempernothos subspecies annei, or more commonly, Anne’s falsely-ill-and-always-wrong dinosaur.  This was a pale, sickly creature, often cross and as impatient with its inferiors as the colony queen.  Although the colony queen did everything possible to attract the highest quality mate for her offspring, the disinterested Anne’s-falsely-sick-and-always-wrong dinosaur would, as advertised, feign some temporary but repugnant malady (emitting copious projectile bodily effluvia), which sent prospective males screaming for more fertile dinosaurs with light and pleasing figures and given to rolling in plants pre-dating Lavendula angustifolia (lavender) known in its earliest evolutionary stages to be a great aphrodisiac.

The tiniest dinosaur in the Rosings Biome was the Haplojenkinsonopteryx minimus, (Jenkinson’s single dinosaur). The only known specimen was always found in association with the Pseudohypochondriacasaurus. It was a flightless yet flighty creature given to eating the food of the Anne’s-falsely-sick-and-always-wrong dinosaur and spitting it back half digested into the larger creature’s mouth. No fossil record exists for any male form of Jenkinson’s single dinosaur, likely because the female would, every few years, molt its skin to reveal brighter colors before eating a male and turning black again within days of metabolizing its feast.